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Okay, likely final update - turns out I did have to plug in the 3.5mm cord to the center console to get audio despite the instructions to the contrary. The audio sounds like shit, and I still end up with the radio accidentally coming on here and there as I navigate an extremely sluggish menu with iDrive.
Gonna box this up and return it. Huge headache, and I may look into the touchscreen replacement options instead.
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