[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

101 Uses For a Dead Simon Bond, anyone?????

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

101 Uses For a Dead Simon Bond, anyone?????

Had to Google image search that... some real funny pics.

[Llarry]

Two men -- one older and one young -- are pushing their carts around the big box store when they collide.

The old guy says "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy replies "That's okay. What a coincidence, I'm also looking for my wife. I can't find her and I'm getting a bit desperate."

The old guy says "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The young guy says "She's 27 years old, tall, red hair, blue eyes. Buxom and wearing no bra. She's got long legs and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy responds, "Doesn't matter much -- let's look for yours."

[Llarry]

Karen was cleaning her husband Steve's rifle and accidently shot him. She calls 911.

Karen: "It's my husband! I've accidently shot him! I've killed him!"

911 Operator: "Please calm down, ma'am. Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"

Click...BANG!

Karen: "OK. I've done that. What now?"

[JeffL0]

Originally Posted by RobotDoctor

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your job back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back ...

...and then you get sober.

[JeffL0]

A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "Aye laddie, you see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He points out the window. "Laddie! See that dock down by the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

He stares into his beer and whispers, "Aye, but you fook one goat..."

[JeffL0]

A Russian, a Japanese, and a New Yorker go on a safari, and they get captured by headhunters.

The chief headhunter gathers them 'round and says "I have good news for you, and I have bad news for you".

The bad news is, we're going to cook you and eat you.

The good news is, we're environmentally conscious, we won't waste anything! We'll use your teeth for jewelry, your bone shards as weapons, we'll even use your skin to cover our canoes. But you have to choose how you wish to die.

The Russian wants to to die with honor and says "Russian Roulette, you give me revolver". So they give him a revolver, he spins the barrel, click, spins, click, spins, BANG.

The Japanese wants to be just as valiant, and says "Hari Kari, you give me Samurai sword". So they give him a Samurai sword, he thrusts it full hilt into his abdomen, rips to the side, and falls over dead.

The New Yorker scrunches up his face and sneers "Gimme a fork!". The chief asks "A fork, what do you want a fork for?". The New Yorker snarls back "JUST GIMME DA FAWK!". So they give him a fork.

The New Yorker holds the fork up and begins furiously stabbing himself in the chest, while yelling "This is for your fuckin' canoes!"

[M5Rick]

Doctor to nurse: How is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters yesterday ?
Nurse: There's no change yet.

[vreihen16]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"