[JustChris]

Agree OP half sounds very very fair.

[KRS_SN]

my feeling from your description is that she knows you care about how your kids might percieve you and is using that to good effect.
But again from your description and past posts it seems she will make you look like a bad dad anyway. If you can reconcile with it continue giving in. If you can't a line has to be drawn somewhere.

[JustChris]

Also just curious, who buys the actual school uniform etc etc what I mean is does £150 for school uniform translate to £150 handed over of which:-

£35 spent at Asda on uniform
£50 nails
£65 night out with Karen looking to pull other guys getting banged on your money - nice

I guess there is no real way around this without getting into a bizarre receipt business type affair but the extreme above example is highly likely and must be incredibly annoying.

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by JustChris

Also just curious, who buys the actual school uniform etc etc what I mean is does £150 for school uniform translate to £150 handed over of which:-

£35 spent at Asda on uniform
£50 nails
£65 night out with Karen looking to pull other guys getting banged on your money - nice

I guess there is no real way around this without getting into a bizarre receipt business type affair but the extreme above example is highly likely and must be incredibly annoying.

This is the issue... I know she's always out clothes shopping for herself, she smokes like a chimney... has bought a brand new Ford Kuga... I must be financing a chunk of this, surely? She only works part time. That's why I get frustrated when I'm asked for more money, as she's clearly used to a certain lifestyle.

To put into context - my current partner, also has children of her own (aged 3 and 4). To cut a long story short, their dad isn't around and doesn't pay anything for maintenance. She also needs to buy school uniform. Her outlook is that for that one month, if she needs to buy uniform, she will prioritise that and go without something else that month, you make that sacrifice. So when my ex gets that much money from me in maintenance and still asks for more, it's a hard pill to swallow.

[NotGotABimmer23]

Originally Posted by mcscoobs

This is the issue... I know she's always out clothes shopping for herself, she smokes like a chimney... has bought a brand new Ford Kuga... I must be financing a chunk of this, surely? She only works part time. That's why I get frustrated when I'm asked for more money, as she's clearly used to a certain lifestyle.

To put into context - my current partner, also has children of her own (aged 3 and 4). To cut a long story short, their dad isn't around and doesn't pay anything for maintenance. She also needs to buy school uniform. Her outlook is that for that one month, if she needs to buy uniform, she will prioritise that and go without something else that month, you make that sacrifice. So when my ex gets that much money from me in maintenance and still asks for more, it's a hard pill to swallow.

Time to stand your ground then I would say...

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by kylemacca01

Time to stand your ground then I would say...

I said i'll go halves... she can pay half and use my maintenance money as the other half... went down like a lead balloon and said I'm a joke

[Lynxi2k]

I think we discussed this previously and found out that this was difficult split on a previous thread, unless that was someone else?

Every situation is different, but I grew up in the opposite situation where Mum did everything, worked 2 jobs etc etc, and still ended up thousands in debt. Dad I believe was paying an agreed some out of court but don't quote me on this, I was young, and it still is a touchy subject to date as you can imagine.

What I am saying is there are a lot of expenses that go with having a kid full time that are not necessarily "seen", and using the money to pay for bills, rent etc would make sense as the bills related to the kids. I am sure you said before that she doesn't look after the kids in the day, so I guess the part time working is only to get benefits?

The only way around this for you is when you agree to pay for more things, make her give you the money and then you order what ever it is they need, you get to give it to them yourself and she may stop using it as a weapon as you would be seen as the one who pays for everything in the kids eyes not her. It would also guarantee that you know where the money goes and you may be able to reduce the cost too.

Everyone's situation is different, but whatever happens remember it's not the kids fault and ultimately it is your job to sacrifice yourself and your lifestyle for them.

Good luck.

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by Lynxi2k

I think we discussed this previously and found out that this was difficult split on a previous thread, unless that was someone else?

Every situation is different, but I grew up in the opposite situation where Mum did everything, worked 2 jobs etc etc, and still ended up thousands in debt. Dad I believe was paying an agreed some out of court but don't quote me on this, I was young, and it still is a touchy subject to date as you can imagine.

What I am saying is there are a lot of expenses that go with having a kid full time that are not necessarily "seen", and using the money to pay for bills, rent etc would make sense as the bills related to the kids. I am sure you said before that she doesn't look after the kids in the day, so I guess the part time working is only to get benefits?

The only way around this for you is when you agree to pay for more things, make her give you the money and then you order what ever it is they need, you get to give it to them yourself and she may stop using it as a weapon as you would be seen as the one who pays for everything in the kids eyes not her. It would also guarantee that you know where the money goes and you may be able to reduce the cost too.

Everyone's situation is different, but whatever happens remember it's not the kids fault and ultimately it is your job to sacrifice yourself and your lifestyle for them.

Good luck.

May have been me, I can't remember

The boys are in nursery 3 days a week for 11 hours each day, she has them for 2 days a week. She would never agree to your money suggestion... the reason being is she will use my maintenance money for half and then what I gave her additionally, as the other half. She wouldn't actually pay half out of her own pocket, if you see what I mean. She will use the children as weapons at every given opportunity.

[Bryans69]

Originally Posted by mcscoobs

May have been me, I can't remember

The boys are in nursery 3 days a week for 11 hours each day, she has them for 2 days a week. She would never agree to your money suggestion... the reason being is she will use my maintenance money for half and then what I gave her additionally, as the other half. She wouldn't actually pay half out of her own pocket, if you see what I mean. She will use the children as weapons at every given opportunity.

I'm guessing nursery 3 days a week would take up a good chunk of that £1k, although of course whether she needs to do that....

In an ideal world I think you really need a breakdown of where the maintenance goes. But sounds like that won't be easy.

[Lynxi2k]

Originally Posted by mcscoobs

May have been me, I can't remember

The boys are in nursery 3 days a week for 11 hours each day, she has them for 2 days a week. She would never agree to your money suggestion... the reason being is she will use my maintenance money for half and then what I gave her additionally, as the other half. She wouldn't actually pay half out of her own pocket, if you see what I mean. She will use the children as weapons at every given opportunity.

If you don't know, I have no hope!

She could still give you the money back from your maintenance, and you could agree to pay the rest as long as you physically buy it.

Although from you state doesn't look to be a lot of reason involved in discussions.

Also agree that 3 days childcare will take up a large chunk of the money, if not all, if those are the days she is working then it is hard to argue against.

I guess its difficult as well when you don't speak or see eye to eye to have a proper discussions to make sure perceptions and reality(on both sides) are the same thing as they rarely are. Especially when both parties resent each other(not saying you do, more a general point I wouldn't want to presume)

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by Bryans69

I'm guessing nursery 3 days a week would take up a good chunk of that £1k, although of course whether she needs to do that....

In an ideal world I think you really need a breakdown of where the maintenance goes. But sounds like that won't be easy.

Oh she doesn't pay for the childcare, 95% is covered, she contributes the remaining 5% a month....

[AyrshireColin]

Before I comment I have to be honest and say that thankfully I know nothing about this side of life.....

I can 100% see how you can become frustrated with what sounds like a pretty shit*y situation. In saying that if everything is above board and it is mandated that you have to pay £XX pcm in child maintenance is it really anything to do with you how that is spent/what the breakdown of where that £XX looks like? The figure wasn't pulled out of thin air.

I could maybe understand better if you didn't feel that your kids were being cared for or were going without but that seems to be the opposite of what's actually happening.

You have to remember that not every cost associated with raising kids is buying new trainers and t-shirts. Would we have the house, car, holidays, utilities bills, food bills ect. that we have if we had no kids? No we wouldn't, it would be nothing like the £ that we spend on that kind of stuff - the flip side is if you asked me to quantify any of it I don't think either me or my wife would have a clue where to begin.

I do get your point re. asking for extra. That shouldn't be a thing.

It does sound like there is a certain amount of animosity which can't make things easy.

Good luck.

[mcscoobs]

Originally Posted by AyrshireColin

Before I comment I have to be honest and say that thankfully I know nothing about this side of life.....

I can 100% see how you can become frustrated with what sounds like a pretty shit*y situation. In saying that if everything is above board and it is mandated that you have to pay £XX pcm in child maintenance is it really anything to do with you how that is spent/what the breakdown of where that £XX looks like? The figure wasn't pulled out of thin air.

I could maybe understand better if you didn't feel that your kids were being cared for or were going without but that seems to be the opposite of what's actually happening.

You have to remember that not every cost associated with raising kids is buying new trainers and t-shirts. Would we have the house, car, holidays, utilities bills, food bills ect. that we have if we had no kids? No we wouldn't, it would be nothing like the £ that we spend on that kind of stuff - the flip side is if you asked me to quantify any of it I don't think either me or my wife would have a clue where to begin.

I do get your point re. asking for extra. That shouldn't be a thing.

It does sound like there is a certain amount of animosity which can't make things easy.

Good luck.

Oh I agree. What she does with the money is up to her as a responsible parent. I guess my frustration comes from asking me for extra money to maintain the children, for what I consider to be one of the basics (school uniform) when I already pay so much.

I know with all her benefits, part time salary and my maintenance, she brings in close to £3k a month. Her expenses for everything come to around £2300 give or take. The rest is disposable income. Nearly £700 a month. She's financially better off than me lol

[Wills2]

This doesn't sound great, if I've read it correctly the maintenance is just for the children and the rent is paid elsewhere, so you pay £500 per child per month? I think that's more than enough for all the day to day stuff, your ex needs to think about how she provides for her children as well or how she budgets the money you give for them.

The extra's should be at your discretion if you haven't got it you can't give it and being told you're a joke when you provide 1k every month whilst having to pay for all your living costs on top isn't fair.

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned...springs to mind

Hang in there OP, or tell her you'll have the children full time and stop the money

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by Wills2

This doesn't sound great, if I've read it correctly the maintenance is just for the children and the rent is paid elsewhere, so you pay £500 per child per month? I think that's more than enough for all the day to day stuff, your ex needs to think about how she provides for her children as well or how she budgets the money you give for them.

The extra's should be at your discretion if you haven't got it you can't give it and being told you're a joke when you provide 1k every month whilst having to pay for all your living costs on top isn't fair.

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned...springs to mind

Hang in there OP, or tell her you'll have the children full time and stop the money

But, and being devils advocate here, its not that I believe this, I am just offering a different view...

she has kids so its hard to work full time so she cant get full salary

you manage to run a nice care - nicer than a Kuga - and you posted elsewhere that you have been on a spa weekend with your current gf

the oourts have decided the amount you pay based on the information provided, and a bit extra for special occasions is not unreasonable. Does she buy all their birthday presents from both of you from that money or do you give extra?

Kids never win from parents that separate. Its definitely not their fault. So do you spend your time fighting her over a few quid or making them happy...?

Whatever you do wont win, but just remember, she probably whinges to her friends how you have a flash car, take your new gf to posh hotels, and moan about having to support your kids. I imagine the kids hear that. I wouldnt care what the ex says but I would care what my kids thought.....

I'd pay it and keep a diary of days you have the kids and get my own back by going over the number of nights that affects things next time. Best served cold and all that....

[Wills2]

Originally Posted by isleaiw1

Kids never win from parents that separate. Its definitely not their fault. So do you spend your time fighting her over a few quid or making them happy...?

I know as I was that child from a from a broken home but what's happening doesn't sound fair to me.

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by Wills2

I know as I was that child from a from a broken home but what's happening doesn't sound fair to me.

As all the divorced dads I know would say in unison, Fair, in terms of child support and access, are you having a laugh!