[F30Andy]

Background:
Elderly relative of my wife is discharged from hospital 3 weeks ago after a 3 month stint due to major surgery and the complications arising from it.

Elderly relative has numerous other ailments prior to this hospital visit which are not getting better.

Hospital says there is nothing further they can do for him and we need to "monitor" him for changes in his condition.

It becomes obvious within a few days of discharge that he has been sent home to die.
When the GP finally gets round to doing a home visit he confirms this and organises palliative care.

Palliative care consists of an "end of life pack" which is just a bag full of drugs to make him comfortable as his body shuts down.

We all rally around and gather with him until his final breaths this Tuesday just gone.

I was there when he died and felt his pulse fade away.
I heard the unmistakable noise of those final breaths.

In the initial moments while everyone else was too distraught to do anything I closed his eyes for him.


Aftermath:
Due to the limited amount of family that could be present in the house and their inability to function after his passing I had to take control of the situation.

I organised for him to be taken from the house to a place of worship.
I organised the place of worship to perform the religious rituals prior to burial. (They did this as a behind closed doors favour to me so a handful of family could participate. They have not been performing this service due to covid.)
I stop a family member from physically assaulting a leader of this place of worship.
I later intervene with this same family member when he attempts to over rule the wishes of the deceased and his sons.
I obtain the death cert and register the death.
I obtain a burial cert.
I organise for him to be taken from the place of worship to the cemetery.
I organise the burial to be live streamed so people who can not attend due to covid restrictions and religious reasons can say goodbye.
I organise catering and logistics for the three days of religious mourning.
I also paid for EVERYTHING and did not expect or want it to be reimbursed to me. (Although it was.)



What do I get in return:
A grieving wife who I have no idea how to deal with as this is one issue I can't throw money at.
No matter what I say or do at the moment it is wrong.

This coupled with retuning to work today with a mountain full of work in front of me and a shit storm brewing overhead has made me realise that life as well as death can be a mother fuckker.

I have not had the chance to grieve or even speak to any of my friends about it yet, so if you have read this far I thank you for the opportunity to let it out.

At some point this week think I will sit in a corner somewhere, use the leftover drugs (some good shit) in that palliative care pack and cry.

[TouringPleb]

I don't really know what to say to help you.

I'd strongly recommend a bereavement counsellor for you and your wife. Sounds like she is struggling and taking it out on you. And you need someone to help you rant and get things off your chest.

Hopefully this will help, I always think dieing in your own bed, surrounded by family and loved ones is as good as it gets.

Sorry for your loss and I hope things get better for you.

[KRS_SN]

That sounds like an awful lot that you had yo deal with.You gave a proper send off as s Mark if respect to the relative. Thats what is important. Please look after yourself.

[F30Andy]

Originally Posted by TouringPleb

Hopefully this will help, I always think dieing in your own bed, surrounded by family and loved ones is as good as it gets.

Sorry for your loss and I hope things get better for you.

I get the sentiment and agree, but let me tell you that dying looks painful.

You leave this world as you came in. Like a newborn baby you are...
Unable to feed yourself.
Unable to speak.
Unable to move to a meaningful degree.
Unable to hold anything.
Unable to do anything for yourself.
Unable to wipe your own arse.

And yes those that love you will selflessly do it for you but it's a hell of an emotional burden to put them through.

Makes me actually wonder how I would like to die.

[F30Andy]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

That sounds like an awful lot that you had yo deal with.You gave a proper send off as s Mark if respect to the relative. Thats what is important. Please look after yourself.

Thank you

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by F30Andy

I get the sentiment and agree, but let me tell you that dying looks painful.

You leave this world as you came in. Like a newborn baby you are...
Unable to feed yourself.
Unable to speak.
Unable to move to a meaningful degree.
Unable to hold anything.
Unable to do anything for yourself.
Unable to wipe your own arse.

And yes those that love you will selflessly do it for you but it's a hell of an emotional burden to put them through.

Makes me actually wonder how I would like to die.

I sat with my wife (and all of her family) as she watched her Dad die in hospital. It was probably the only thing that would have got all the family n the same room together. I even picked one sister up from Newmarket as she couldnt afford the trip up - as I made a mad dash to be back in time from work in Chelmsford.

My wife never really got over it, and her mum certainly didnt and passed away 18 months later. That pretty much tipped my wife over the edge too and she died 2 and a half years after her mum, less than 4 years after her dad. Grief is a massive thing and you should get any help you can for your wife and the family as well as yourself.

Talking about it is a good start. Crying might be good too, you dont have to do it in a corner, its OK to cry. Drugs wont help, I'd bin that idea off. Work is a difficult one, I went back to work a week after my dad died as it helped me, but with my wife I had a month off as xmas and new year were soon after and going back before didnt feel right with kids to thing of.

Good luck with everything.

[335dX]

I feel for you Andy.

My other half lost his dad to suicide on the 14th Feb,(7 years ago,) my birthday was 7 days later and his 3 days after that. February has never been the same since neither has Valentine’s Day or indeed our Birthdays, we don’t really celebrate any of them since.

He hit the bottle every night and became a skinny drunk and I honestly thought I was losing him too. We had an intervention and then counselling worked. But this process took 18 months for us to realise there was an issue with him and then get him the help he needed.

We have been together nearly 25 years, (I’m only 42,) and it was the most difficult thing we have faced as a couple. As has been said don’t underestimate what grief can do to the mind and body.

Talking about it to the right people both within the family and outside can help, but you have to be ready for that.

Take care.

[225]

Difficult to know what to say really bar take some time for yourself now. Your wife will understand and I'm positive she will be far happier knowing you are OK as opposed to having to worry about you as well as dealing with everything else.

[RustyBitz]

Hey mate,

So sorry to read this. I don't have answers but all I can say is don't keep things in, learnt that last year.

This place is great for venting and getting everything out.

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by 335dX

I feel for you Andy.

My other half lost his dad to suicide on the 14th Feb,(7 years ago,) my birthday was 7 days later and his 3 days after that. February has never been the same since neither has Valentine’s Day or indeed our Birthdays, we don’t really celebrate any of them since.

He hit the bottle every night and became a skinny drunk and I honestly thought I was losing him too. We had an intervention and then counselling worked. But this process took 18 months for us to realise there was an issue with him and then get him the help he needed.

We have been together nearly 25 years, (I’m only 42,) and it was the most difficult thing we have faced as a couple. As has been said don’t underestimate what grief can do to the mind and body.

Talking about it to the right people both within the family and outside can help, but you have to be ready for that.

Take care.

My wife hit the bottle too, which wasnt good as she had nearly died in 2010 from liver failure. As you can imagine that caused a great deal of difficulty and sadly there was only going to be one outcome....

[TouringPleb]

Originally Posted by isleaiw1

My wife hit the bottle too, which wasnt good as she had nearly died in 2010 from liver failure. As you can imagine that caused a great deal of difficulty and sadly there was only going to be one outcome....

Alcohol is a nasty substance.

[mcoops]

I've no experience with this (yet) Andy, but dreading this scenario as my parents get towards their 80s. Really feel for you, and others have already posted some good advice. Good luck and take care.

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by mcoops

I've no experience with this (yet) Andy, but dreading this scenario as my parents get towards their 80s. Really feel for you, and others have already posted some good advice. Good luck and take care.

They dont have to be old Marc, 35 years tomorrow since my Dad died....not sure how my Mum got through it but I guess it gave me training for my turn (i was the same age as my Mum when my wife died!)

[kzg1969]

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like a tough one. Fingers crossed for the next steps for you all.

Hopefully he had a good and full life.

Parents dying before their children is how its supposed to be. When its the other way round.....

[XAlp]

I thought TouringPleb’s first reply was spot on.

Sadly expecting to face similar bad times in the not too distant future with my 88 year old mother struggling to keep cancer at bay. I haven’t really thought about “practicalities” until your sharing, I think that will help me prepare a bit too, so thanks.

Take care.

[HighlandPete]

Originally Posted by F30Andy

What do I get in return:
A grieving wife who I have no idea how to deal with as this is one issue I can't throw money at.
No matter what I say or do at the moment it is wrong.

Sometimes you just have to be the figurative punchbag.

My wife's mother was sent home to die, plus she wanted to die at home rather than in hospital. Massive strain on the family. Sometimes just a simple hug and a "let's get through this together", is the only thing you can do.

I do feel for you. Talk it out, even if it is on here.

[simon.]

Nothing really to add, a lot of good advice above & as said, if it helps to talk it out here, go for it mate.

You don't shut up normally so I expect 5 pages by this time tomorrow .

Seriously, take care & it will get easier.

[AlwynMike]

Firstly, condolences to you and your family.

I recommend talking.
To anyone. Mates. Family. Strangers. Internet forums. Anyone.
All of us on here will have been touched by death in some form, but to be present when someone takes their last breath is life changing in more ways than one.
An elderly neighbour of mine collapsed on my drive (had a heart attack I found out later). To find her unconscious and hardly breathing to her taking her last breath (you just KNOW), to giving pointless CPR whilst waiting for the paramedics.
An experience I will never forget - she was a friend, although not close. I still worry that I could have done more to save her. Even, having done many First Aid courses throughout my career, where they say CPR is unsuccessful in most cases. I spoke at length with a paramedic buddy who eased my mind somewhat. Others who hadn't experienced death at close quarters just didn't understand.
Both my parents are dead. My favorite dog is dead. But the death of this lady affected me more than all of them. Because I was there.

[machman767]

+1 for the bereavement counciling, for you and your wife. I had similar after my dad died 13 years ago, half hour with the councillor who said no more than half a dozen words and I literally felt a weight lift. As others have said, feel free to vent here, really impressed by the support from people you'll probably never meet but would like to.

[sahajesh]

Sorry to hear this and I hope you're doing better since the first post.

I expect I'm no use for support as being in a small family, very little experience of dealing with family death.

You should vent here and will get some good advice (as I have seen in this and other threads).

My parents are both elderly and I fear the worst for my dad in the first instance as his health has taken a turn for the worse recently, but still OK.

They are in London and we are in Sheffield so we have been making a few more trips recently and this will continue, I know. The distance makes it harder, of course.

[Nibbles]

Originally Posted by F30Andy

I get the sentiment and agree, but let me tell you that dying looks painful.

You leave this world as you came in. Like a newborn baby you are...
Unable to feed yourself.
Unable to speak.
Unable to move to a meaningful degree.
Unable to hold anything.
Unable to do anything for yourself.
Unable to wipe your own arse.

And yes those that love you will selflessly do it for you but it's a hell of an emotional burden to put them through.

Makes me actually wonder how I would like to die.

Firstly my condolences to you and your family. It's awful having to go through this type of thing. You'll feel terrible now but the feelings will diminsh with time.
When my dad died a couple of years ago, the worst thing was the last 3 weeks when all of the above things happened to him. He went from a dignified gent to someone who felt so embarrassed that he was unable to do anything himself. His constant look of shame and trying to form the words to apologise to us or the nurses who came in to help his pain relief almost broke me a couple of times.
A number of times I sat by his bed trying to pluck up the courage to put a pillow over his face to end his and my mums suffering but I just couldn't do it.
I've always believed that euthanasia should be legal for the terminally ill and going through that trauma has only strengthened that belief.

[F30Andy]

Originally Posted by mcoops

I've no experience with this (yet) Andy, but dreading this scenario as my parents get towards their 80s. Really feel for you, and others have already posted some good advice. Good luck and take care.

It's something we should all be prepared for and know what to do when it happens.

It was my wife's grandfather and he was 81.

She was born in his house and grew up there.
She was 10 years old when her mum and dad purchased their first property across the road from grandads.
As a 10 year old child she decided that her bedroom is in grandma and grandads house and she is not moving into the scary house that dad bought over the road.

When I went to ask for her hand in marriage I had to ask her grandparents, not her mum and dad.

The man she has lost meant more to her than me and her father combined.

As for her grandma, all I can say is that I wish my wife loved me the way that grandma loved grandad.
I can not fathom what grandma is going through right now.