[Rbrown]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone...made me laugh with all that's going on....


UK Virus ALERT - Updates

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloodyy Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and Andhra "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

All very funny, but nicked from somewhere else and doesn't really fit a virus as you read down it.

Seen it before about war and terrorism, enjoyed reading it non the less.

Any new Coronavirus jokes anyone? Might lift the mood....

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible"
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago"

[Watsey]

Originally Posted by Goneinsixtyseconds

nicked from somewhere else and doesn't really fit a virus as you read down it.

Seen it before

FFS.

Unless we've got a bunch of world class stand-up comedians in 'the house' a lot, if not all, of this stuff will have come from elsewhere.

Smile in the face of adversity, or run around screaming. You do have a choice.

[Blacktemplar]

Made me smile....

[Blacktemplar]

Cause & effect is an amazing thing - some boy eating a bat in China leads to the postponement of Elgin City vs Brechin...,

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

Originally Posted by Watsey

FFS.

Unless we've got a bunch of world class stand-up comedians in 'the house' a lot, if not all, of this stuff will have come from elsewhere.

Smile in the face of adversity, or run around screaming. You do have a choice.

Thanks for the selective editing, my post was much more positive than that in its totality and I also started positively contributing.

Have a pop if it makes you feel better.

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

In light of recent of panic buying UK supermarkets have introduced purchase limits.

Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max.

Tesco: 1 Hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls & 2kg rice.

Co-op: 12 rolls toilet paper, 1Kg rice.

Aldi: 2 Trumpets, 1 diving suit & a MIG welder.

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

ITALY: lockdown
CHINA: lockdown
DENMARK: lockdown
NORWAY: lockdown
IRELAND: close all schools, cancel mass gatherings
USA: close schools, ban all european flights

BORIS JOHNSON: "Right. Some of you are going to die. NHS are a bit busy, shit happens. OH, and don't forget the happy birthday hand-washing thing. Good luck."

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by Goneinsixtyseconds

ITALY: lockdown
CHINA: lockdown
DENMARK: lockdown
NORWAY: lockdown
IRELAND: close all schools, cancel mass gatherings
USA: close schools, ban all european flights

BORIS JOHNSON: "Right. Some of you are going to die. NHS are a bit busy, shit happens. OH, and don't forget the happy birthday hand-washing thing. Good luck."

That would have been so much funnier if it had said Ireland - cancel mass. Thats never going to happen!

[Ivan Ivanov]

.

[Rukka]

Meanwhile ...

[Sullym6]

Got this in WhatsApp

[Quantox]

It was a paper mill, infested with bat droppings that got into the paper stock.

They made 1 million medium size paper bags and all of them were carriers.

Q

[JustChris]

Originally Posted by Sullym6

Got this in WhatsApp

[jenshb]

Originally Posted by Goneinsixtyseconds

In light of recent of panic buying UK supermarkets have introduced purchase limits.

Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max.

Tesco: 1 Hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls & 2kg rice.

Co-op: 12 rolls toilet paper, 1Kg rice.

Aldi: 2 Trumpets, 1 diving suit & a MIG welder.

[DazC]

I like my Corona virus, like I like my women.

19 and spreads easily!

[225]

One of many no doubt[IMG]undefined[/IMG]

[Steve_M_Sport]

An antidote to the virus

[Quantox]

Fighting broke out over the last few remaining packs of toilet rolls in a local supermarket.

Paramedics were called to attend to the injuries, mostly soft tissue damage.

Q

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

,

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

.