[MrManor]

My father in law is ill, he’s back from Spain and has stomach cancer, it doesn’t look good the wife is obviously very upset and I’m going to have to break the news to my 2 boys who are 10 and 5 and idolise him.

I don’t feel prepared to do it at all, how could you be?

Has anybody been in this position?

[Pobsey]

My mother in law passed away in September after a short stay in hospital. I was left with the job of breaking it to my 8year old, the advice we were given was to be honest and say it as it is.
Before it happened we did tell him that she was ill and was in hospital, we were economical with the details, but he didn’t ask many questions.

[MashinBenzin]

It's a horrible position to be in, sorry to hear.

Due to circumstances a couple of years ago, I was given various bits of advice on how to break news of a loss to children. The advice was as above, be honest and truthful.

I do recall that softening the edges of something can have negative consequences, in terms of introducing deep rooted fears. Things like saying 'going to be with the angels'. Again it came back to being honest.

I still have the booklets that were given to me. If you want a copy, PM me and I will scan them on the phone and send across.

[isleaiw1]

Sorry to hear that, there is never an easy way. Bad enough telling my kids their Mum wasnt going to make it when they were 23 and 22....

My grandson knows his grandma is an angel. He never knew her but we do have pictures in the house and obviously we talk about her and he has been to put flowers on the headstone....

[kzg1969]

Had to tell ours (11&16) that their mum had cancer and gran had a stroke and wouldnt recover within 3months of each other.

Advice as above. Dont delay, because they do pick up on things. They are tougher than you think. It is still probably the hardest thing i have ever done.

[Kendo67]

Originally Posted by kzg1969

It is still probably the hardest thing i have ever done.

Same here , we had three in a month (my dad / FIL / wifes uncle).

I remember driving home from the hospital when my dad died thinking how the hell are we going to deal with this but we sat them (14 / 16) down and told them straight , with a little softening of the "edges". Yes there were tears all round but they bounce back quickly , just be there for them with plenty of upbeat conversation (although difficult) and not too much of "alone time" for them , initially.

When the FIL was going downhill we gradually "primed" the kids as to where it was heading , still nasty when it happened but not unexpected.

K

[TouringPleb]

Just a thought.. is it worth asking their school for advice on this?

(I don't have kids so if this is a stupid idea then I apologise!)

[agentorange]

I don't have kids myself, but I know they pick up on vibes from adults real quick. My advice is to tell them that grandad is not well sooner rather than later.

[isleaiw1]

Originally Posted by kzg1969

Had to tell ours (11&16) that their mum had cancer and gran had a stroke and wouldnt recover within 3months of each other.

Sorry for your loss and challenges. Hope your wife makes a full recovery (sorry if i read that wrong, I hoped the 3 months part related to the gran and not their mum)

[mikeoz]

Well my father in-law died suddenly at only 73 recently. He walked on to an ambulance and never came home. I had to to tell my 5yr daughter that he had died. At 5yr they don't really understand but my daughter ran to the living room window and pointed at the sky to show he was in heaven. Totally unprompted and drew me to tears...

[bytejunkie]

Originally Posted by TouringPleb

Just a thought.. is it worth asking their school for advice on this?

(I don't have kids so if this is a stupid idea then I apologise!)

its not stupid at all, my mate works in pastoral care in a secondary, i suspect in this situation he'd say the above about being honest, but it wouldnt hurt for his team to know, he'd likely check in on the kids and keep an eye out for them.

at 10 and 5 for OPs kids, school should still know, for time off and looking out for them reasons.

[mcoops]

We took a slightly different approach with our kids when I got my diagnosis, but the circumstances were really quite different, as it was apparent fairly quickly that my treatment would very likely be curative.

I'd support the advice given by others and would only add that you shouldn't ignore the impact on your wife and yourself. Talk to each other, friends and family and get other support if you need it. It's all too easy to bottle things up, especially when you are focusing on the kids.

[R0B]

Originally Posted by TouringPleb

Just a thought.. is it worth asking their school for advice on this?

(I don't have kids so if this is a stupid idea then I apologise!)

This makes a good point that it's absolutely worth telling the school. I have discovered on multiple occasions that true feelings can come out when they're away from home. A good line of communication with their teachers really helps.

[Nibbles]

Just be as truthful and direct as you can with them and be there if they have any questions or just want to talk about how they feel. Letting the school know as well is a good idea. We had to go through this when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer a couple of years ago. The kids (7 and 9 at the time) took it really well and did ask a lot of questions.

[bishbosh]

I think the best thing you can be is open and honest with your kids as MashinBenzin commented.

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 prostrate cancer a couple of years ago and sadly succumbed a few months ago. My kids are 15 and 12 and the best thing we could do for them was to let them know their grandad loved them. We answered their questions honestly.

[tj_g]

Some very good advice by the sounds of it, sorry to hear about everyone’s experiences.

I found this a good listen. Probably more aimed at younger kids, but across the board the advice seems to consistently be - ‘be honest’

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcas...=1000536117695

In case the link doesn’t work
Dr Becky at Good Inside - .23 how to talk to your kids about death

In addition to the principles of the advice, she has good literal scripts you can use.

[MrManor]

Many thanks for all of the replies and loads of good advice, thanks so much.

Unfortunately the boys can’t see their granddad as they have both succumbed to the Rona, it’s literally rife in their school, so it’s FaceTime only and for now it doesn’t feel like the right time.

[Troopa340i]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I absolutely dread the same thing as my dad has stage 3 brain cancer and I'm really not looking forward to that day. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, but i wish you all the best and hope your father in law stays around longer than anticipated.

[stefan4]

A terrible position to be in and you have my condolences. Kids however are remarkably resilient. They are quite matter of fact and seem to process things much better than we give them credit for.

[CajunBMW]

Originally Posted by MrManor

My father in law is ill, he’s back from Spain and has stomach cancer, it doesn’t look good the wife is obviously very upset and I’m going to have to break the news to my 2 boys who are 10 and 5 and idolise him.

I don’t feel prepared to do it at all, how could you be?

Has anybody been in this position?

It is not easy to do, but as pointed out by the many posts in this thread, kids are very resilient and seem to do ok to quite well if you are straightforward with them. I dealt with that issue when my father passed away two years. Now it was expected as he had been sick. We told them shortly after we received the news and the older ones were bummed and the younger one did not quite get it , but understood what we were saying. During the funeral which was delayed a bit, they did fine and in fact even saw it was ok to be upset. Sorry to hear about situation.

[540iSUP]

Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for sometimes. As stated above, be honest and to the point. Answer any questions they have as honestly as possible. Be there for them and don't leave them alone too much for a while. Take a step back and see how they react.

I'm sorry you, your family, and FIL are going through this and I wish you the best. The community will be here for you as well.