[ZedsRedBaby]

Well seeing as we're going to be (mostly) stuck at home for another four weeks, I think we could do with some cheering up.

Please keep it non-political so this doesn't get deleted.

I'm going to kick off with something that's been, ahem, bugging me for a while:

[JustChris]

I'm geeky enough to be on a Garmin forum as well as a BMW car forum:/

Sean Connery walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art Garmin. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art Garmin? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Legend. RIP

[ZedsRedBaby]

...

[Steve_M_Sport]

Seán Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Seán, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Seán says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex Then Seán says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Seán, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Seán replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

[JustChris]

Originally Posted by Steve_M_Sport

Seán Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Seán, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Seán says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex Then Seán says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Seán, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Seán replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

shex

[ZedsRedBaby]

...

[Rhino at Work]

The perfect number plate for this year.

[ZedsRedBaby]

Bit tough to find a non-political one today, but here goes:

[kzg1969]

Originally Posted by Steve_M_Sport

Seán Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Seán, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Seán says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex Then Seán says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Seán, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Seán replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

OR



Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, a few years ago, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad
passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If
you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks “Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she shtole ma wallet...

[Sennen]

So the moral of the story is 'Dont sleep with any old slags north of Birmingham'......... doesn't leave you Northerners many options then

No wonder you all come down South

[MashinBenzin]

I'm going to win the lottery big..... In fact as far as I'm concerned I've won the lottery. I was winning everything, I was all set to go out and spend it..... I've won....
[But only 2 numbers have been drawn - how can you say that?] Well don't draw any more numbers out and I win. Simple.
[But you need to draw all the numbers first - thats been the rules of the game for years]
Thats fraud. Must be. See you in court.

[JustChris]

...

[machman767]

Just remember there's no substance to a trump.....all wind and puff

[Blacktemplar]

Originally Posted by machman767

Just remember there's no substance to a trump.....all wind and puff

Not to mention the smell of corruption

[CajunBMW]

Originally Posted by Rhino at Work

The perfect number plate for this year.

Perfect

[ZedsRedBaby]

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[Blacktemplar]

Originally Posted by ZedsRedBaby

...

Actually, now you come to mention it....

[TodmordenLad]

There’s a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter.
It’s pretty nuts.

[Goneinsixtyseconds]

.

[ZedsRedBaby]

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[CajunBMW]

Originally Posted by Goneinsixtyseconds

.

I had already seen that one. Very funny video.

[RustyBitz]

Nice thread OP!